COUNTRY HUMOR
United we stand
By Jack S. Bray

We Americans are a mixed and melded lot: white, black, brown, red and yellow folk drawn from many lands and many cultures.

It occurred to me that, as a result of our varied backgrounds, we probably hold fewer common beliefs and truisms than more homogeneous populations. What we need to be truly united in these United States is a firmly fixed American consensus; a common body of prejudices; a Yankee credo.

So, as a public service, the Postoak Point organization lurches to the occasion:

We Americans believe...

That it is easier to send a man to the moon than to solve the crime problem.

That it snowed every Christmas up to about 10 years ago.

That if you build a patio onto the back of your house, it will raise the value of your property by $20,000.

That the children of ministers are the worst behaved kids of all.

That the children of psychiatrists are the most neurotic kids of all.

That you are safer flying in a jet airplane than driving your own car.

That if Congress ever outlaws guns, only outlaws will have guns.

That Los Angeles today is what the entire country will be like 20 years from now.

That gambling is a disease, like malaria.

That soccer is the thinking man's sport.

That if Mozart were alive today, he would be composing country and western music.

That modern medicine can transplant hearts, but they still can't do anything about the common cold.

That interstate highways have taken all the fun out of driving. That inside every alcoholic is a sensitive man with a broken heart.

That girls with deep suntans will have skin like elephant hide 15 years from now.

That they could make a light bulb that would last 100 years, but GE and Westinghouse keep buying up the patents.

That most of today's high school graduates don't know how to add, subtract or write a grammatical sentence.

That over-the-road truckers always know the good places to eat.

There you have it: articles of faith for modern Americans. If your own personal opinions don't happen to line up with those above, don't blame me.

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