Missouri's Conservation Commission and Department of Conservation have a vexing problem: how to make wild-elk reintroduction palatable. To date, the commission has publicized nine steps the department must take before releasing elk into the "wild." To help, I respectfully offer the following modest proposal. Numbers correspond to official concerns.

1. Establish definitive restoration zone and management methods.
Evenly distribute wild elk within the metropolitan and suburban areas of Kansas City, St. Louis and Springfield.

2. Define a plan for containing elk within the target zone.
Fence the metropolitan areas of Kansas City, St. Louis and Springfield, including suburbs. Sure, that's hundreds of miles of fence. But with disposable incomes in these areas, it's a small price for the joy of seeing nature up close. Besides, I personally know the head of the farm supply division at MFA. He has assured me that with a little notice he can cover all the fencing orders.

Use cattle guards on the roads. No self-respecting elk will cross one. Those contrivances would pose no more hazard to cars than old railroad crossings. It would slow city traffic, a benefit. The Conservation Department now advises residents of rural areas to slow down. Slower traffic in metropolitan areas would be good.

Because we've been assured elk will not stray from good feeding areas, we can expect populations to develop in affluent suburbs and in manicured areas like Swope, Forest and Dickerson parks.

3. Identify sources of disease-free wild elk.
Contact Missouri elk farmers.

4. Outline an elk-hunting protocol that would give landowners within the target zone half of allotted permits.
Unnecessary. Animal rights groups can use birth-control medication delivered through blow guns. They've already got excess hot air. SUVs will tame the rest.

5. Establish private funding for reimbursing the public for elk damage.
Despite the word "private," isn't that a slippery slope? We've all heard for years that no one (and no governmental organization) is responsible for wildlife damage. Farmers have fed wildlife for years. Why would suburbanites complain? Mature elk only eat 15 to 20 pounds of forage daily. Enough city shrubs, plants and parks exist to support the population.

6. Organize volunteers to repair elk damage to livestock fences and to help round up escaped cattle.
There's an abundance of volunteer groups in cities who elbow one another for highway litter duties. Metropolitan locations host high membership densities of environmental groups--another pool of volunteers. They'll need volunteers to help with damage. After all, there's nothing more likely to construct elaborate cedar and picket fences than a suburbanite with a 1,500-square-foot backyard.

7. Develop a privately funded elk-monitoring program that includes radio collars.
Forget collars. Monitoring programs are already in place. Homeowners will be glued to windows to see what those frisky rascals will do next--another viewing opportunity without the long drive.

8. Establish agreements with public land management agencies to create open land favorable to elk.
See municipal parks above.

9. Establish criteria for removing elk if, for instance, too many vehicle/elk collisions or too much crop [flower and shrub] or fence damage occurs.
What could be better than a citywide system of homeowners on a gridded, pre-existing map screaming into the phone, "Corner of 151st and Halley's Court. Hurry, they're headed toward Macys"?