How to give your dog a pill:

Step 1. Conceal pill in meatball. Place in dog's food dish.

Step 2. Whistle. Stand out of way.

How to give your cat a pill:

Step 1. Hold cat in your left arm, head up, as if holding a baby. Place your forefinger and thumb on each side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure, holding pill in your right hand. When cat opens mouth, pop in the pill. Give the cat a few seconds to close its mouth and swallow.

Step 2. Retrieve pill from the floor and cat from beneath the sofa. Cradle cat in your left arm and repeat Step 1.

Step 3. Retrieve cat from the bedroom. Throw away soggy pill. Take new pill from foil wrapping. Cradle cat in your left arm, holding its rear paws firmly with left hand. Force cat's mouth open and push the pill to the back of the cat's mouth with your right forefinger. Hold cat's mouth closed for a count of ten.

Step 4. Retrieve pill from African violet planter and cat from curtain rod. Call your neighbor for assistance. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between your knees, holding front and rear paws. Get neighbor to hold cat's head with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down cat's mouth and rub cat's throat.

Step 5. Ask neighbor if he's had a recent tetanus shot. Retrieve cat from atop the wardrobe in the bedroom and unwrap another pill. Bundle cat in a large beach towel and get neighbor to lie on cat with cat's head just visible. Put pill in one end of a soda straw, force into cat's mouth and blow.

Step 6. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Apply bandages to neighbor's arms and wipe up blood from the carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from machine shed. Ask neighbor to place cat in closet and close door onto cat's neck to leave only cat's head showing. Force cat's mouth open with a soupspoon and flip pill down cat's throat with a rubber band.

Step 7. Get neighbor to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor sutures fingers and forearms and removes fragments of pill from your left eye.

Step 8. Take cat to Humane Society shelter. On the way home, stop at pet shop and buy a goldfish.