Have you weighed your telephone bill lately? Each month, my phone bill seems to get longer--and more costly--and I'm not doing any more calling than I did back when the thing weighed an ounce or two less.

In fact, I don't make as many long-distance calls as I did. With the advent of 800 numbers and e-mail, I make fewer toll calls. But the bill keeps getting heavier and more expensive.

The thing is, a lot of the extra charges on my phone bill seem to have nothing to do with either the telephone or my use of it. For example, here's something called "LineGuard plus" that costs me $5.45 per month and I have no idea what "LineGuard plus" is or why I need it and have to pay for it. Then, there's an "Interstate Access Surcharge" that clips me $6 each month. But when I make an out-of-state call, that shows up in a separate part of the bill.

And what's a "Telecommunications relay surcharge?" Whatever it is, it only costs 9 cents per month, but I don't know if I really need a "Telecommunications relay surcharge" even at 9 cents. And here's a 52-cent item called "Number portability surcharge." I suppose this 52 cents per month lets me take my old telephone number with me, should I move. That's $6.24 per year. It would probably be cheaper to just get a new telephone number--for free--if I should decide to move.

Down here is an "Emergency 911 surcharge." Why is there a surcharge for 911 when there is also a levy on my county taxes to pay for 911? Somebody told me the "Emergency 911 surcharge" is paying to set up cell telephones with 911 services. Why don't cell phone users pay to set up their own 911 service, instead of tacking this $1.94 per month onto my telephone bill?

Down here, after my itemized long-distance calls, there's something called the "In-state connection fee" that taps me for $1.95 each month. This is on top of the $6 interstate access surcharge and I take this as a fee I must pay for the privilege of paying for long-distance calls within the state, whereas the interstate access surcharge is a fee I pay to let me pay for state-to-state long distance calls.

And that doesn't even include the federal, state and county taxes on my phone bill.

The telephone is one of those luxuries that has become a necessity within my lifetime and I don't suppose I'll decide to get along without Mr. Bell's invention anytime soon. Besides, I'd have to call the phone company to get them to unhook the thing, and that means using the telephone.

But it seems to me telephone service providers could trim back on some of these expenses. For one thing, listing all of these fees, charges and surcharges uses up a lot of paper and after awhile, even paper weighs and costs something. I think I'll see if I can find an old phone bill from 6 or 8 years ago and see how much it weighs, compared with the bills I get nowadays.

I know phone bills used to be lighter in terms of dollars and cents.