America wasn't always this way. Hundreds of years ago, the country was inhabited only by Indians (although this wasn't a country yet and the Indians didn't know they would be called Indians), who formed tribes and gave rivers names loaded with the letter 's.'

Then, more than 500 years ago, an Italian named Christopher Columbus got to thinking: "I'll bet I could sail west and get to the Far East." So, Columbus drafted a bunch of sailors and borrowed three small ships—the Nina, the Pin~a Colada, and the Santa Maria Alberghetti—and pushed off into the trackless Atlantic.

After months at sea, the little flotilla came to land, and Columbus went ashore. Several copper-colored men wearing feathers stood on the beach. One, who had more feathers than the others, raised his hand and said, "How?"

"Not too bad," said Columbus. "You fellas are Indians, right?"

Chief: "Bossa nova Yamaha."

(Which, translated, meant, "No, we came here 10,000 years ago across the Asian land bridge.")

Columbus: "Look, chief. We've been at sea for weeks, looking for India. We have our cannons aimed at your teepees and we say you're Indians."

Chief: "Karoke Kumbawa." (Which meant, "Welcome to India.")

And so, the white man and the Native American met in a spirit of good will and fair dealing, which let them peacefully coexist for 6 weeks. After which time, they negotiated a series of treaties which taught the Native Americans the value of living in a place called Oklahoma.

By the early 1600s, Englishmen were colonizing the James River delta in what is now Virginia, where they engaged in part-time starving and cultivated a weed that could be chewed, snuffed or smoked.

A bit later, the Puritans made landfall in Massachusetts, at a place called Plymouth Rock; so-named because one of the Puritans thought the rock looked like an automobile built by the Chrysler Corporation.

After a lean, hunger-stirring year, the Puritans—aided by an Indian named Squanto—harvested big crops and held the first Thanksgiving feast and afterward watched the Rams-Bears football game. By and by, the Puritans also invented New England, parts of which are still visible on clear days.

England, the mother country, began to oppress the American colonists something fierce. King Henrys and Georges imposed burdensome taxes on the colonies and passed harassing acts, such as "The Seat Belt Law," which fined drivers $10 for not wearing personal restraints. All of this revolted the colonists, who revolted against England.

The Continental Congress met in Philadelphia and its members debated whether to declare independence from England, and also voted themselves a cost-of-living raise.

They elected Thomas Jefferson to write a Declaration of Independence, which he did on the back of an old envelope.

With that, the Revolutionary War was on. After going first one way, then the other, the war was won by the Americans, who immediately voted to send foreign aid to England.

American citizens elected representatives to attend a Constitutional Convention (also held in Philadelphia, during the seventh-inning stretch at a Phillies-Mets baseball game).

The delegates drafted a constitution that divides the government into three equally important branches: Executive, Legislative and Judicial. This created a system of checks-and-balances which ensures that any action taken by one branch of government will immediately be rendered null and void by another branch of government.

The first 10 amendments to the Constitution (which eventually became called "The Bill of Rights" because that's pretty much what they are) granted freedoms not specifically spelled out in the main document.

For example, there's Freedom of Speech, which gives every individual American the right to state his or her opinion, no matter how leather-headed that opinion may be.

Freedom of Religion allows any sectarian group, no matter how small or off-the-wall, the right to solicit money through the mail and over the telephone.

And, there's Freedom Against Self Incrimination, which lets you refuse to answer such questions as: "How come you were so late getting home last night?"

That's pretty much how this came to be America. Of course, there's a lot of other stuff in our history that might be interesting, if we had the space to go into it. But you can look it up.