COUNTRY HUMOR

More than gain, look to beef production efficiency
By Jack S. Bray

If you’re an agricultural producer, you can go through your entire life and never hear certain things said. Things such as, “We’ve completed the audit of your back tax returns—the IRS owes you $24,000, plus interest.”

For example, have you ever heard an order buyer say, “Is that all you want for these steers? They’re worth a lot more on today’s market.”

And don’t hold your breath waiting to hear some things. I, for one, have never had an auto repairman tell me, “Your truck didn’t need an engine overhaul and new transmission after all. We fixed the problem by replacing a little computer doo-hickey, and it was still under warranty.”

After talking with producers across the entire mid-continent and parts of Kansas, I have come up with a whole list of things you aren’t likely to hear in our business: “We saved the cow and it looks like the calf is going to make it. There’s no charge—I was coming by your place anyhow.”

“Sure, saving the white-throated Wyoming warbler is important, but not as important as feeding America’s consumers. You just go ahead and graze your cattle wherever you want.”

“I don’t have the answers to most of our problems, but if I’m elected, I promise to listen to my constituents, follow my conscience and vote with your best interest in mind.”

“Our annual study of how best to use checkoff dollars has convinced us to stop doing these annual studies.”

“We won’t need financial statements or cash-flow projections; all that paperwork just piles up in the bank’s files. Let’s simply shake hands and I’ll put your loan through.”

“I’m from PETA but I realize that I don’t know as much about handling livestock as somebody who works with animals day in and day out.”

“I represent a drama group from the city and we’d like to use your old barn to stage our summer productions. Would $2,500 a week be a fair rent?”

“What do I know about something as complex as good nutrition? I’m just a so-so TV character who wouldn’t know a soybean from a jelly bean.”

Things like these you aren’t likely to hear if you are in agriculture. And you may have to wait awhile to hear: “Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. U.S. Farmer, for providing all of us with the healthiest, most nutritious food on the globe.”